questions that don’t have answers

November 12, 2009 at 8:15 pm (Questions) (, , )

I would have been 11 weeks today.

Every time I see a calendar, my eyes go automatically to the Thursday. That used to be the best day of the week. Another milestone of a new week with more exciting developments. And now I dread them. They’re just another reminder of what’s gone. Will I ever be able to look at a calendar again?

It was October 22nd (a Thursday, of course) when I found out I had a miscarriage. The day before I had noticed a bit of spotting and told my husband, M. He said not to worry and just to keep an eye on it. He assured me that I would be fine. That day, the spotting continued. It was bright red. I closed the door to my office and called the doctor. When I told the receptionist what was happening, she suggested I come in to talk to the doc. A few hours later, I was sitting on a bed at the med-ray clinic, with M beside me, holding me tight, as the clinic’s doctor said the words I already knew were coming. There was no heartbeat. I know that I was already crying when he told us that I was having a miscarriage.  How could this be happening?

It has been three weeks since that day. Sometimes I’m OK. Sometimes I’m not. M has been an incredible source of support for me. I don’t know how he does it. I know it hurts him, too, because we were both so excited.  I feel like I was stupid and naive to have thought it could have all been so perfect.  I got pregnant immediately on our very first month trying, due on June 3rd, which was exactly the month we were hoping for. Everything was going so well… I wasn’t really sick. I wasn’t really tired. I used to look at myself naked in the mirror and smile at my belly, thinking, wow, my body was made to do this! And now whenever I think of my now-empty belly, I wonder over and over again why it had to be this way. I’ve tried to be strong, think positive, all of those things that you’re supposed to do after a miscarriage. It just doesn’t work all the time and I wonder: Will I ever be happy again?

So many thoughts and questions run constantly through my head:

Why?

Why me?

How could this have happened?

Did I do something wrong?

Did my baby ever have a heartbeat?

Will I ever get over this feeling?

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1 Comment

  1. halfway there « Is there life after miscarriage? said,

    […] went back to my first post, and the first line reads: I would have been 11 weeks today. I remember the turmoil I was going […]

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