i miss you, though i’ve never met you

November 16, 2009 at 7:02 pm (Questions) (, )

I miss being pregnant.

Every day, I wake up and think the same thing: I wish I was still pregnant. Then it usually goes away, and I get out of bed and go to the bathroom to get ready and my mind is filled with other mundane thoughts. Still, at all sorts of times during the day, but mostly when I am alone, my mind drifts back to the baby I no longer have growing inside of me and I’m overcome with feelings of sadness and loss. I feel robbed, like something was taken away from me that I was meant to have. It makes me angry and frustrated, but at the same time sad and lost. Why didn’t I get to meet you? I already loved you and I’ll always miss you. 

During my pregnancy, I would often wonder if it was really real. I wasn’t showing yet, and I was not experiencing any morning sickness, so I would question if I was really pregnant or not. I would wish that I could just get an ultrasound so I could see it and know that there was really something there. It drove me nuts that I would not get that first prenatal visit until December 4th. It was a day that couldn’t come soon enough. I find it extremely sad and ironic that the ultrasound I so badly wanted ended up being the most devastating news of my life.

I did the strangest thing when my bleeding was becoming heavy when my miscarriage was starting to happen. When I looked sadly into the toilet and saw the clumps of blood, I cried and said “I love you.” I know that is weird and crazy and sick and embarrassing, but I did.  Am I disturbed for thinking this way? To say “I love you” to nothing but tissue and blood?

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20 Comments

  1. understands said,

    Hi I just wanted to say that I am very sorry for your loss and to let you know that there are other people out there feeling the same things you are. You are not alone. Miscarriage is something that is seldom spoken about and this can make the experience even lonelier than it already is. Take care of yourself. I am sure you will get pregnant again soon and that all will go smoothly.

  2. understands said,

    I hope I didn´t say something wrong by saying you would get pregnant again soon. I just wanted to convey the message that there is life after miscarriage but I realize now it may have sounded as though I was minimizing your loss, which was not my intention. I too have recently suffered a miscarriage and I also miss being pregnant.

  3. tasha said,

    Hi there, thank you so much for reading and commenting. I did not take your comment badly at all… I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this, too. When did you miscarry and how far along are you?

  4. missedconceptions said,

    I am very sorry to hear that you are a member of the miscarriage “club.” It’s a club that no one wants to be a member of, but somehow being part of the club helps a little.

    It will get better, I promise, but you will never forget.

  5. understands said,

    Hi, I really enjoyed reading your blog. Somehow I could really relate to the things you were saying, even though my circumstances were a little different to yours. I think the feeling of having wasted so much time rang particularly true. You are so excited about the pregnancy and you spend all your time studying books and websites that describe what is happening in your body while anxiously awaiting the next milestone… and then suddenly it´s all gone. I had my first ultrasound at 8 weeks and we saw a healthy heartbeat. I too found it hard to believe I was actually pregnant. But when we saw the ultrasound picture it became real. Then two weeks later, we went back for another check. It was meant to be a routine check up just to make sure everything was still ok. It took me a few minutes to see what my doctor and husband had already seen on the screen — no heartbeat. They were both looking at me waiting for the penny to drop. At first I didn´t react. I felt completely numb. Then I burst into tears. It seems I had what they call a ´missed miscarriage, which means my body didn´t realize the pregnancy was no longer viable so I didn´t miscarry naturally. I felt betrayed. My doctor scheduled a D and C for me the very next day. They said I was about 10 weeks along. This was my first pregnancy. The thing that has struck me most is that you hardly ever hear about miscarriage and yet it seems to be so common. Why is that? I realize there is a lot of information on the web but it is rarely talked about in other media, which seems unfair to me. It´s nice to know that other people have been through the same thing and have somehow made it through the experience. I think the worst part now is that I somehow feel as if I am doomed and as if this is destined to happen to me again and again. But I realize that this is not a good way of looking at things! The truth is, most of the time, it does not happen again. And even if it does, statistics are still in your favour and most women end up bringing a pregnancy to term. Feel free to write back if you feel like. Take care.

  6. understands said,

    Ah yes, I forgot to say that we got pregnant immediately. It was our first month of trying so all of this was like a whirlwind. It all happened so quickly.

  7. understands said,

    Tasha, I just read your short bio. We are the same age. I am 32 too. 🙂

  8. Meg said,

    Your story brings me back so quickly. I never believed this when I was in the midst of my losses but somehow the pain will lessen. Somehow your days will brighten and you will muster the strength to continue on this journey. Take care of yourself.

  9. Eleanor (Saving Our Way) said,

    Tasha –

    I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there also. I miscarried at 6.5 weeks back in August 2007. I too had known for a while b/c I got sucked into those early pregnancy tests also & had known since like 10dpo!

    I have endometriosis & was afraid that I may never get pregnant. We had tried for about 6 months when I got pregnant July 2007. When I miscarried I was so sad. I wondered what I had done wrong & what I could have done to of prevented the miscarriage. The truth is – nothing & nothing.

    It was a hard time because a lot of our friends & family were either pregnant or already had little ones and then one of my very close friends found out she was pregnant 2 weeks after I miscarried. We had been trying together. That was really hard.

    Thankfully I miscarried naturally & we were able to start trying again in September 2007. Another thankfully – I got pregnant that first month. That pregnancy resulted in the birth of our healthy & happy daughter in May 2008. Which was only 20 days after my close friend delivered her daughter too!

    What I want you to know is that you don’t ever forget. However, the pain & emotion do soften as time passes. The pain & emotion soften tremendously with a new pregnancy & especially when you hold that baby in your arms. You become a place of comfort & experience for women who experience what you have too. You become a person of hope that there is life after miscarriage for these women too.

    What I also want you to know is that there is life after miscarriage & there are many many many healthy succcessful pregnancies after miscarriage.

    I will be keeping an eye on your blog & you are in my thoughts!
    🙂

  10. Eleanor (Saving Our Way) said,

    Sorry for the duplicate posts – it looked like my post got deleted b/c my webpage locked up and then I re-wrote what I could remember & now i see i’ve posted twice!

    HAHA – sorry!

  11. K said,

    I know exactly what you are going through. It has happened to me twice this year. Doc said I was about 71/2 weeks the first time, but it wasn’t caught until week 9. Second time, I was 9 weeks as well, but the baby only developed to week 6. Devastating. I’m pretty sure my miscarriages were due to a hormonal problem since they didn’t find anything wrong with the tissue testing. No genetic abnormalities. It’s scary. I so badly want to get pregnant again, but I’m scared to death. i wish you luck. It does get easier, but you’ll never forget it. I hope things start to get better for you 🙂

  12. K@ourboxofrain said,

    My blog is currently down (it looks password-protected but it’s just because I needed to take it down temporarily and wasn’t sure how else to do it), but my story is pretty similar (pregnant our first month trying, resulting in an ideal due date, no real pregnancy symptoms, then a loss that shook me to my core). My loss was two years ago, and reading your words I was struck by the commonality of how we each processed our experience. For me, there was a tinge of something I still can’t quite name, but it was almost like shame, like how did I not know something was wrong (like the previous commenter, mine was a missed miscarriage), how could I have thought everything was fine, how could I have been so naive? Thinking back to those days really brings it back.

    On a positive note, we went on to conceive again that winter and are now parents to an amazing little boy who we love with all of our hearts. That said, I still miss and grieve the child we lost, and I assume I always will. Take care of yourself. I definitely allowed my grief to overtake me in an unhealthy way and wish I had done a better job of finding a way out of the pit of despair I found myself in. I’ll be thinking of you.

  13. tasha said,

    WOW, everyone, thank you so much for your comments and kind words of encouragement and understanding. You have no idea how much relief this brings to me. Writing has certainly been theraputic, and I intend on continuing, but having you find me and share your experiences gives me hope.

    @understands – it’s incredible how much we have in common from our stories down to our age…

    @ Eleanor and K – it’s wonderful to hear that you went on to have happy and healthy babies. I hope every day that that will be me one day.

  14. understands said,

    To K: I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your losses. One is bad enough but two must be unbearable. I can imagine how scared you must be feeling but I am sure that you will find the strength to try again and get through this. You sound very brave 🙂
    My husband and I have just started trying to conceive again. He is supportive and optimistic and on good days, I am too. But on bad days I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat fearing the worst and wondering whether I really would have the strength to get through another loss if it were to happen again. Any tips on how to deal with these fears would be much appreciated! Take care of yourself.

    Tasha: Do continue writing. I am glad you found some relief in our stories. Take care.

  15. K said,

    Thanks for the reply ‘understands.’ It’s nice to hear that someone gets it. I don’t really have any tips other than to try to realize that everything happens for a reason. I also am starting to take my fertility into my own hands. My Dr. is great, but he isn’t going to fight for me. So…I research reasons why this is happening to me. The thing that I have come up with is low levels of progesterone…so I have a scrip for that for the next time. I want to get pregnant right now…I don’t want to get pregnant ever again. Sound bi-polar? It’s what I think about pretty much all the time. I’m terrified that it will happen again. I could handle it if I knew that someday I could have a healthy child…but that is the unknown. You have no idea how much it helps to have a dialogue with people like you. I know you get it, while my family and friends don’t. They listen, but they don’t really get it. Looking forward to your reply. 🙂

    • understands said,

      Hi K, thanks for answering. I think it´s great that you are doing your own research and taking the matter into your own hands. If it is low progesterone, as you say, that means that next time round it will be fine. Wouldn´t that be great? I really hope it works out for you. 🙂 I had another nightmare last night. I dreamt I was pregnant and we were at the doctors and he said those very same words again ” there was a heartbeat last time. I´m so sorry”. So another sleepless night for me. I was crying so hard in my dream. I do get it and I can imagine how hard it is for you and how scary. But from all the books and things I´ve read, even two miscarriages doesn´t mean the end. I think you still have something like an 80% chance of carrying a pregnancy to term (or was it 70%?) Anyway, you get the point. My friends and family keep telling me to stop being so pessimistic and basically to just get a grip. The implication is that if I continue being so afraid that it will happen again, I will bring it on myself. I think that´s ridiculous and unfair. I can´t help the way I´m feeling. I worry I won´t ever get pregnant again and that if I do, it will go wrong. Take care

  16. Yo-yo Mama said,

    Missedconceptions is right about the “club”, she and many women like her helped me get through not only my first, but my second, third and sadly and horribly, my fourth. You will find that as you talk to your close friends and even some of your family that some of them may have gone through it as well, it just seems like so many are ashamed of what they truly have no control over. And when the pregnancy was so desired and hoped upon, it just makes it that much more painful.

    Eventually you won’t cry every day or touch your belly when no one is looking. It’ll hurt to see other women pregnant. But you’ll find a strength inside yourself you didn’t know existed. The strength we found with our multiple losses was the ability to accept a donor egg cycle and now we have the most amazing little girl who came into our lives. She filled my heart again after the losses nearly emptied me. You will find your way someday, too.

  17. K said,

    Hi Understands…I had to laugh when I read what you wrote about others thinking you need to get a grip. That’s a lot easier said than done. I still don’t have a grip…probably never will until I’m holding my first baby. People who have not been through this cannot possibly understand. I certainly didn’t until it happened to me. I can’t imagine hearing the doctor say there is no heartbeat…again. I do not ever want to have another D and C. Speaking of that…do you know anything about taking the pills to miscarry as opposed to the D and C option. I don’t know anyone who has tried that route before.

  18. understands said,

    Hi K, no unfortunately I don´t. All the people I know who have miscarried have had D and C´s or miscarried naturally. One friend of mine had an ectopic pregnancy and lost one of her ovaries. She stopped ovulating for 6 months but as soon as she started ovulating again, they conceived and had a beautiful baby girl ( I like stories with happy endings so that is why I am sharing here… 🙂 ). I hope you won´t ever have to go through this again. There´s a very good chance that everything will be fine next time round even though that might be hard for you to believe right now. Take care. xxx

  19. K said,

    A friend of mine just had an ectopic pregnancy a few weeks ago. They were able to do surgery and save her tube though. I only have one ovary due to a huge cyst that I had to have removed about 4 years ago. But…they say you only need one. So far, the one I have is functioning well….as far as I know. It seems that I hear so many sad stories these days…so many women go through this. My mom said that she never heard about miscarriages in her day. I asked my Dr. about that and he just said that people didn’t talk about it back then…especially since they didn’t have blogs etc…back in the late 70’s. He said the numbers have been consistent for many years…about 1 in 4 or 5 pregnancies don’t result in a healthy baby. Seems so crazy! Let’s keep our fingers crossed that one of these days, we will be on the good side of those statistics.

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