jealousy, wrath and guilt

November 18, 2009 at 10:44 pm (Emotions) (, , )

On the eve of the 4 week mark of my miscarriage, I am starting to feel like maybe, just maybe, there is life after miscarriage.

I’ve gone through so much during these few weeks. Feelings of remorse, anger, bitterness, loss, and of course, that sinking and seemingly never-ending sadness. Most of my emotions are to be expected, but I have known at times that what I’ve felt is wrong and evil. The feelings of jealousy have at times been intense. Every time I saw a pregnant woman, I would wonder why she could do it and I couldn’t. I would wonder why she’s better than me. Every time I would see a child, I would clench my teeth because my dreams of a child were shattered. Did I just never notice how many children are in the world before? How is it possible that everyone is so much more fertile than I am?

The worst thoughts have come when I’ve thought of two people who were also 8 weeks along when I was 8 weeks, but they got to keep their baby and I didn’t. For a split second, I would wish upon them what I am having to go through because it’s not fair. Why can’t I still be pregnant? Why couldn’t it have been them instead of me? And then it hits me – that huge wall of guilt where I wonder how I could possibly wish this on anyone? Then I would feel awful for even having that thought crossing my mind. I’d push the offensive thoughts from my head and the guilt settles in on me.

Luckily these feelings of wrath and guilt have started to fade. The jealousy is certainly still there, but I don’t know if that will ever go away until I’m holding my own little baby. Most days now are better than the last, but I know there’s still so much inside of me that I still need to deal with. I’m still haunted my the flashes of memory of the night we found out our baby was dead. But that’s for another post.

Advertisements

4 Comments

  1. K said,

    Don’t feel guilty about the jealousy. I feel it everyday. I also feel quilt about it everyday.
    Having a miscarriage changes your view of the world as it relates to pregnancy and babies. Don’t worry…it’s normal and you are not alone.

  2. tasha said,

    Thanks, K, that’s so true – this experience has totally changed the way I think about pregnancy now. I’m quite sure that if/when I get pregnant again, I’ll worry about having another miscarriage right up until the baby is born.

  3. K said,

    You will worry…but the worry is worth it in the end when you have a healthy baby…so I’m told. You know what I think about? Shopping for maternity clothes…will I ever be able to?? Sounds silly…but its true.

  4. tasha said,

    I know!! So funny that you mention that. I was already thinking about maternity clothes, too. A week or so before the bad news, I had gone shopping for longer, looser sweaters – not maternity wear, but definitely with a growing belly in mind.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: