starting over

November 26, 2009 at 6:27 pm (Emotions) (, , , )

It’s here.

For days I’ve been obsessing over when I would get my period. Over a week ago, I thought it was maybe time, but day after day would pass with nothing. It would drive me crazy to hear about all of these women who were getting pregnant. Last night I heard of yet another one. She already has two kids and wasn’t even trying. She didn’t even want to get pregnant and she was pregnant again!

I broke down. I fought with my husband because I was so frustrated. I was angry because I wasn’t even back at square one, I was somewhere in the land of square negative. Having my period would be back at square one, and it was not coming. Where the hell was it? How long would I have to wait? It was killing me. I was miserable, not able to cope with all the feelings of jealousy and loneliness. I felt so alone, so weak and fragile and uncapable. My heart broke yet again when I thought about how far along I would have been by now. This would have been the end of my first trimester, a huge milestone in my pregnancy. But instead, my womb is dead and empty. When would it be ready for life again?

But finally, this afternoon, it’s here.

I’ve already checked my trusty ovulation calendar and have marked down the days that we’ll try again. I finally feel like there’s hope for me again. I feel like I can start over.

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3 Comments

  1. moon said,

    i read your blog and it’s like somebody is reading my mind.
    i really wish you all the luck, we’re trying this month too 🙂

  2. tasha said,

    Thank you! I finally feel hopeful again, like I have something to look forward to instead of being hurt by what should have been. Good luck to you, too – keep me posted on how you are doing!

  3. understands said,

    Good luck tasha! I hope you guys get pregnant again soon. xxx

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