counting down

December 2, 2009 at 9:44 pm (Trying to conceive) (, , )

Next week we are going to start trying again.

I’ve put the calendar back up in our room. After a couple of weeks of cringing every time I saw it, I had taken it down because it hurt too much to think of where I should have been in my pregnancy. I used to look at it with excited anticipation of each coming Thursday to mark another week passing by but it had turned into a cruel reminder. Now I can look at it again and count down to the day we can start trying to conceive. Only a few more days to go…

It’s such a different feeling now that I got my period last week. I have finally stopped waking up each morning and thinking about my miscarriage. It still stings when I see a pregnant woman or hear about yet another person who’s pregnant. (Has everyone other than me suddenly become super fertile?? It seems like I hear of 2-3 more women getting pregnant every week since I miscarried!) Other than that awful phone call from the prenatal clinic on Friday because my appointment had not been cancelled, I’ve been doing really well. And even then, I was able just to clench my teeth and escape to the solitude of the bathroom to shed a few angry tears. It was a nasty shock and biting reminder, but I was able to deal with those emotions and move on through the rest of my day. If that had happened a week before, it would have certainly sent me into a wild torrent of anger and desperate sadness.

A few times, I’ve allowed some fearful thoughts to cross my mind. What if I have another miscarriage? How will I be able to deal with another loss? But I push the thoughts away and force myself to think positively:

This time it will happen. I’m going to have a baby.

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3 Comments

  1. K said,

    So good to hear that you are feeling better and feeling hopeful! After 2 miscarriages this year, I have gotten pregnant again…only a little over 5 weeks along. Utter terror doesn’t even describe what I’m going through right now. I can’t even bring myself to call the Dr because I don’t want to go in there and hear bad news. Your post today has reminded me to think positive and have hope! Thank you. Good luck to you.

  2. tasha said,

    Be strong!!! I’m so excited for you and I hope that all goes well. Keep me posted on how you are doing.

  3. moon said,

    wishing both of you all the best, and sending all my positive energies!

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