back in the saddle

December 13, 2009 at 2:49 pm (Trying to conceive) (, , )

We’re trying to get pregnant again. This time things definitely feel different. Because of this miscarriage, I’ve lost all of that innocence that I had the first time we tried to get pregnant. Back then, it was all excitement. This time, I am feeling hopeful but that element of emotional cautiousness is definitely at the forefront. Even though I’m excited to be trying, I have a lot of fears this time around and I wonder what I’ll feel when we do get pregnant again.

Will I be so scared to have another miscarriage that I won’t be able to enjoy being pregnant?

M says he’s sure that I will still be excited and that the fear will be greatly outweighed by the joy I will be feeling. He says that’s just my personality to get giddy and excited about things. I’m not sure about that. I suppose I can see it happening that way, but I do wonder if the immense grief that I went through will stop me from being able to feel happy freely. I wonder if I’ll always have that feeling of uncertainty that will prevent me from developing a bond with my baby like I did the first time.

There are so many things that I think I might hold back from doing next time around. I think I might stop playing hockey immediately as soon as I find out. Why take the chance of taking another fall that could cause a miscarriage? I definitely won’t be doing hot yoga even as we’re trying to conceive. Why risk  doing strenuous activity and overheating that could cause the embryo not to implant correctly? Did I get enough rest last time? Did I try to do too much? A lot of what I’ve read says that if the embryo is strong and viable, there’s really not too much you can do to harm it through your regular activities. But I have to admit that I am scared. Part of me wants to put myself on bedrest as soon as we get that positive test and stay like that until the first trimester is over. 

I’m planning on taking a pregnancy test on Christmas Day. I told M about my idea and his first reaction was to ask me if it would ruin my Christmas if it came out negative. He knows that it’s my favorite day of the year and worried that I would be so disappointed if we didn’t get a postive result on the pregancy test. I had to think about that before I answered it. I don’t think it will ruin my Christmas. I’m sure I’ll be disappointed, but the possibility of having the best Christmas present ever far outweighs that. I keep imagining how wonderful it will be if we get good news on Christmas morning. The whole day would shine.

I haven’t looked forward to Christmas this much since I was 6 years old and I would go to bed praying and wishing for Santa to bring me a Cabbage Patch Doll.



  1. K said,

    Hi Tasha…just checking in to see how things are going? I love your Christmas Day pregnancy test idea…what a great present that would be for you. I go to the Dr. tomorrow for an appointment, but won’t get an ultrasound. That will have to wait until next week or possibly the week after since I’m only about 7 weeks. I don’t have a good feeling. I started spotting last week and it was on and off until yesterday really. Very light and not red…but still disheartening. If things don’t work out for us again this 3rd time…I will schedule an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist…maybe they can figure things out. I’ll be looking for your Christmas update with hope for you and your hubby. Either way, have a great Christmas 🙂

  2. tasha said,

    That’s definitely scary… I really hope that everything is OK after all. Some women spot during their pregnancy and everything turns out fine. Let me know how your appointment goes tomorrow. My fingers are crossed for you.

  3. K said,

    Hi Tasha. Just got back from the Dr. Didn’t find out much of anything…they scheduled my first ultrasound for the 30th. Not sure how I will make it through the next two weeks but with the holidays and my schedule, that is the first time I could get in. That will put me at 9 weeks which is exactly when I found out about my first 2 miscarriages…ugh! I want to finally see a heartbeat!! Fingers crossed for both of us before the new year!

  4. tasha said,

    Agh, I bet you are wishing for time to just fast forward so you can get to your ultrasound date!! I hope that time flies by for you since it’s so busy at this time of year. Take it easy and make sure you still get time to rest during the holidays. My thoughts are with you.

  5. C h i r l e e n said,

    I had a miscarriage in 2006 (my one and only BFP) and it was devastating. I think about that baby every day and I know I will until the day I die. However, I am beyond mourning the loss and even though I often worry about a future miscarriage, I don’t let that bring me down when trying to have a healthy baby. I’m currently in the middle of ttc and sure, I think about the miscarriage but I also think about the baby I will someday have. I will admit I’m terrified of cleaning chemicals b/c when I had my miscarriage I had been working for a vet and had spent the week prior scrubbing kennels … it turns out the baby wasn’t developing like it should have and my hormone levels were low. Lots of sticky baby dust to you hun!!!!

  6. tasha said,

    Thanks, Chirleen. I often wonder about chemicals and stuff, too. We were doing some painting just after I found out I was pregnant and I used to torture myself wondering if the chemicals from that are what caused my miscarriage.

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