a little perspective

December 17, 2009 at 9:59 pm (Thoughts) (, , )

For nearly two months now, pretty much all I’ve been doing is trying to deal with my miscarriage. I’ve experienced a huge range of emotions from guilt to anger to jealousy, and of course the all-encompassing sadness. For weeks, the very first thought in my mind when I woke up each morning was: I had a miscarriage. My pregnancy is over. Our baby is dead.

With the passing days, then passing weeks and now passing months, I’ve started to be able to answer my own question: Is there life after miscarriage? I can now answer yes, but not without adding that life will never be the same. I don’t know if I think about my miscarriage every day anymore, but it is still a prevailing thought. I can’t look at my pregnant (and now showing) co-worker without pangs of regret, feelings of loss and more than a twinge of jealousy. After all, today would have marked 16 weeks for me. I might have been starting to grow a little tummy.

Last night, I burst into tears when reading another blog. The author’s beautiful post was a letter to her unborn child at 7 weeks. She called it her “little blueberry.” If you’ve read my very first posts, you would know that this is what I used to call my baby. Each week, I would read the week-by-week guides that walked me through the baby’s development, explaining how big the embryo would be by comparing it to fruit. I made it all the way from an orange seed to a large raspberry before I miscarried at 8 weeks.

Today I had an experience that really put things into perspective for me. I’ve been very focused on myself lately, just trying to deal with the miscarriage. My workplace had arranged for a group of staff to do some volunteer work at a local charity, packing up Christmas hampers for families in need. I was thrilled to be able to take part in this, and decided to also sponsor a particular family by raising money to pay for a hamper full of food, school supplies and warm clothing, plus hopefully get them a few extra gifts. Because of a connection I had made with a wonderful woman via Twitter, we were able to have the opportunity to deliver the hamper and gifts in person directly to the single mother and her two kids.

We packed up food, jackets, scarves, mittens, notebooks and other supplies, as well as a crock pot. With the money we raised, we also bought each of the kids $150 worth of gift certificates to stores that they would like to shop at, and got mom a certificate to treat herself to a spa treatment, plus some bubble bath to enjoy at home. We met the family at their co-op apartment, and upon seeing all the packages we had brought, the mother burst into tears. Her little boy was so happy to see all the gifts. It melted my heart to see him excitedly packing up the bags and boxes into a cart to take upstairs to their home.

I feel like we changed their life a little bit today by giving them Christmas. This was an experience that was good for my soul – something I think I really needed to help put things back into perspective. For the first time since October, I felt lucky.

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3 Comments

  1. K said,

    I love this post Tasha! Thank you for sharing.

  2. L said,

    Hi Tasha,
    Thank you so much for this blog. I’m so glad I found it. I had a miscarriage the same day that you did, October 22. I was 7 weeks along. Like you, Thursdays were my favorite days. I am 33, and I feel that I know more people that are pregnant than not! My best friend is also pregnant, due June 3. (THURSDAY– I was due June 10). I’ve never experienced the kind of jealousy I felt when I first heard this news.

    I feel like you and I are on a similar path… we even got our periods the same week! We’ve started trying again, and I feel fear and hope every day. And every day I miss my little Junebug and grieve that loss some more. I’m feeling much better, as you have said you are, but I’ve never experienced a grief like this.

    Anyway, this is a long comment, but I’m just so grateful to have stumbled on your blog. I hope that you get the good news you are hoping for on Christmas day, and I’m glad to be following your story.

    Thanks for saying what you’re saying.

  3. tasha said,

    @ K – thank you, it was definitely an experience that I needed.

    @ L – Thank you for reading and commenting. It never ceases to amaze me how many women I have found who have experienced so many similarities. My due date was the same as your friends, June 3rd. (I love, love, love your Junebug nickname, by the way!) It’s crazy how our stories are so closely aligned and I hope that we have the same happy result soon. M says to say good luck to you as well. He’s convinced that his boys have done their work this time! Keep me posted on how you are doing, too.

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