my father’s blessing

December 29, 2009 at 9:54 pm (Emotions, pregnancy after miscarriage) (, )

In dealing with my miscarriage, I went over every possible reason I could have lost my baby. Some were scientific, but many were not. One of the things I blamed myself for was for being too smug, too proud to have conceived so easily, especially since my sister in law had been off birth control for nearly a year. I thought I was in better shape, took better care of myself and was more capable of carrying a baby. I thought perhaps the miscarriage was a way for God to humble me. Maybe I held on to too much rage, honking at other drivers when they weren’t driving the way I thought they should drive. I thought that perhaps my heart rate was elevated to such a level in my anger when my puppy was attacked at the dog park that it wasn’t good for my baby, and that I had killed it by not being calm and happy and forgiving enough.

I know all of these things are unlikely and unproven, and that the vast majority of miscarriages are caused to a genetic abnormality that is decided at the moment of conception. However, that did not stop me from wondering if I hadn’t done enough to earn my baby.

With this pregnancy, as new as it is, I think that always in the back of my mind is a tiny voice reminding me of karma. There have been a few times in recent weeks when I’ve done a good deed, not with the intention of buying my baby by acting as a good samaritan, but because I’ve felt like it would be good for my soul. With all the heartache and agony that I’ve been dealing with, it’s as if I need some other kind of nourishment. A pregnancy after miscarriage is ever more cherished than one that has never had to deal with this kind of loss.

On the Sunday after Christmas, I went with M to visit my dad’s grave. I admit that it has been far too long since I’ve gone. Even though it has been nearly 20 years since his death, I still can’t visit him without tears. Even now, as I type, my eyes are welling up. I loved him so much and I still miss him. (It probably doesn’t help that I have the nostalgic sounding Gran Torino song playing on my laptop.) As we stood over my dad’s grave, I read the inscription silently in my head, as I always do. I wrote it for him as my farewell when I was fourteen:

Dad

you’re here in my heart

and though we must part

we will meet again

in a land far away

a land without pain

we will be together

forever

no goodbyes

just good memories

until we meet again

I asked my dad to look out for me this time, to look after the tiny baby growing in my belly. I told him I was sorry that I didn’t come here last time. I asked him for his blessing, and to be our guardian angel. I have always believed that my dad is with me and looks out for me. On very rare occasions, he has visited me in my dreams. Sometimes, mostly when I was younger, I truly felt him with me. And on that day, as M and I stood there with our arms wrapped around each other, I hoped that he was with us again, all three of us: M, me, and the little blueberry growing inside of me.

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4 Comments

  1. K said,

    Such a sweet post Tasha! Reading this brought tears to my eyes for the first time today. Seeing my baby’s heartbeat for the first time brought tears for the second time today. I’m still in shock. My husband and I are just staring at each other because we don’t know what to say. Doc says 9 weeks 3 days!! What a blessing!

  2. tasha said,

    That’s incredible, K!!! I am so excited for you… I can’t even imagine how amazing it must have been to see your baby’s heartbeat!!! Congratulations. What is your due date?

  3. K said,

    Originally, they set it for Aug. 3rd…but since the Doc said I’m measuring 9w3d, it would technically be Aug. 1st. I had never met this Dr. and he knocked on the door and I just started crying…he must have thought I was crazy since he hadn’t really reviewed my file yet and saw my history. So…he put the little wand on my belly and looked around and he was so quiet…so I just knew he was about to say the dreaded words. But then, he said “I do believe that, right there, is a heartbeat.” He asked to do an internal ultrasound to get a closer look and when he did…sure enough…I saw it. 163 beats per minute. He said it was just perfect. We could see the little peanut’s head and torso and a little rump. I’m telling you it was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life. My husband just stared at the screen with his mouth open. It was wiggling around like crazy and the Dr. said we have an active little one. Funny thing is…during the ultrasound, my mom had text my husband and asked if there was anything in particular I wanted for a Christmas (the gift she got me was a duplicate of what my hubby got me). I hadn’t told her I was preggers, so after the Dr. left, I told hubby to simply reply with a picture of the baby. He did. My phone rang about 3 minutes later and she was crying so hard I could hardly understand her. She knows how hard this past year has been. I think I’m still in shock. The Dr. said normally he wouldn’t have me come back for at least 4 weeks, but that I could come back in 2 weeks just to help put my mind at ease closer to the 12 week mark. So…2 more weeks and we’ll be back at it again. Nervous all over again, but hoping for a repeat of what we saw today. Sorry I’m writing a book…but it’s just so nice to be able to talk to someone who understands. I’m not comfortable telling anyone other than my mother. So thank you for letting me share my story. I will be looking forward to reading your similar story in the coming weeks. I’m guessing you are around 4 1/2 to 5 weeks…so it will be coming soon! I can’t wait for you to experience what we did today. It will be the best thing you have gone through!

  4. L said,

    A beautiful blog post and a wonderful story from K. Y’all are inspiring to me!! Happy new year.

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