treading lightly

January 18, 2010 at 8:35 pm (Emotions, First Trimester, pregnancy after miscarriage) (, , )

I’m worried. Not so much worried…nervous. anxious. wary. cautious.

It was on this night in my first pregnancy that I was curled up in a ball with pain. I was crouched on the floor of my bedroom, and later in my bathroom, with incredible cramping that turned out to be the start of my miscarriage. At the time, I had thought that maybe it was the salmon that I had for dinner that was not sitting well. After all, I had eaten salmon a couple of weeks before and also ended up having a stomach ache. But this was different. The next day I found spotting. It was bright red.  Then more on the following day, and yet more spotting again the day after that. Finally, I went to the doctor’s office where she sent me for an ultrasound. And on Day 1 of Week 8 of my pregnancy, an ultrasound found that there was no heartbeat. The yolk sac was present, but they didn’t see what they should have been able to see at 8 weeks. My baby was already dead. Within a day, my miscarriage was in full force and I was passing huge clots of blood. It was the most devastating thing I have ever gone through in my entire life.

Today, I am 7 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I had lamb and rice for dinner. I’ve felt sick a few times today, as usual, but there’s an additional queasiness that has nothing to do with my hormones today.

Since I found out I was pregnant again on Christmas Day, I have cut out all alcohol. I’ve cut way way back on coffee and any kind of caffeine. I’ve been eating well, taking my prenatal vitamins and drinking lots of water. I haven’t played a single game of hockey or gone to hot yoga. I’ve barely even gone out, except maybe for dinner. I didn’t even go to watch M’s hockey game last Friday night, opting instead to sit on the couch with our dogs and watch a movie. In a way, I’ve put myself on a modified bedrest, trying as much as possible to let my body rest and concentrate on what’s more important than anything else in the world right now – building a baby.

I knew that when this week came, I would be extremely nervous. It’s part of the reason I didn’t schedule my ultrasound for this Thursday even though my doctor said that I could have. I would have been way too terrified to go for another ultrasound at the 8 week mark. I felt as if I would have been tempting fate, daring it to repeat what it had done to me in the past.

I have to believe that this time is different and that I won’t have another miscarriage. I have to believe that this time, we are going to have a beautiful, happy, healthy baby.

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5 Comments

  1. moon said,

    believe, and send all your positive energies to your baby, you will be ok!

  2. K said,

    I wish I had some words of wisdom to make you feel better…but I don’t because I know exactly what you are going through. There is nothing anyone can say or do to take away that fear. I still have it and I’m 12 1/2 weeks and saw my baby squirming all over the place at last weeks ultrasound. Is your appointment next Thursday? I will be thinking about you and sending good, healthy baby thoughts your way. I hope nothing more than for you to see exactly what you should…a good strong heartbeat!

  3. tasha said,

    Thank you so much, ladies. I’m sure everything will be fine this time, but it’s so hard not to worry!!

    Yes, K, my ultrasound is next Thursday! It’s coming up so soon and I can’t wait to go 🙂 I can’t believe you are already 12 1/2 weeks!! Congrats to you, I am so happy for you.

  4. badwillow said,

    i imagine i’ll have the same feelings when – or if – i’m lucky enough to get pregnant again.

  5. Nicole said,

    So happy for you. Thanks for sharing your story. Had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago and I imagine I will feel the same thing should I get pregnant again…

    Nicole

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