uncharted waters

January 24, 2010 at 2:02 pm (First Trimester, pregnancy after miscarriage, Thoughts) (, , )

I’ve never been here before.

Today I am 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I’ve been walking on pins and needles for the past week because I’ve been nervous and worried that I would experience a miscarriage again. I have even avoided wearing the same clothes that I remember wearing around that time for fear that I would be tempting fate. But so far so good. No cramping. No spotting. I keep thinking about all of the things that seem different this time, hoping that it means things are going well. My breasts have continued to get larger and are swollen and uncomfortable. (I laugh to myself sometimes because it looks like I’ve gotten breast implants! They’re too big for my little frame now.) I can’t wear my skinny jeans anymore because they cut into my belly. I’ve been slightly nauseated, though not as much as I sadistically wish for. I’ve even thrown up a couple of times.

It’s so strange that women who have a miscarriage seem to want to be as sick as possible, even though they know they’ll be miserable. I just want to know that it’s real this time.

We go in for my first ultrasound in 4 days. I have mixed feelings about this. In a way, I can’t wait to go. I’m very excited and am looking forward to having the chance to see my baby’s heartbeat for the first time. I want to see how it’s grown into something the size of a green olive, to see those little arm and leg buds developing. But I’m also really scared. What if we don’t get to see what we’re supposed to see? What if there’s another empty sac? What if there’s something there, but there is no heartbeat? Will my heart be broken yet again?

I try not to think of these things, but it’s difficult not be scared. Being pregnant after a miscarriage is joyful and fearful at the same time. I’m so thankful to be pregnant again, but I’m terrified about the prospect of having another devastating loss. I honestly don’t know if I could handle it a second time around. When I visit pregnancy boards or read articles, I avoid any sort of mention of miscarriage or signs of miscarriage. I am trying to focus on positive thoughts. To focus on my seemingly growing belly – whether it’s my growing uterus, or just bloating, or a combination of both.

I just want Thursday to be here so I can hopefully see that heart beating away like crazy. I want tears of joy this time. Please think of me.

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4 Comments

  1. k said,

    definitely thinking of you and hoping for the best. Can’t wait for thursday to come and go for you so you can rest easier. It’s funny how women who have been through similar situations think so much alike. I stay away from the clothes I was wearing when I went through my miscarriages too. I thought I was being silly but I guess it’s just a normal reaction. I will be praying for you in the coming days.

  2. tasha said,

    Thank you, K. It’s nice to know that we’re not alone in our weird little paranoias.

  3. Kirsten said,

    Thank you for your blog. I’m struggling with the aftermath of our baby dying at 12 weeks. We just found out a few days ago. I’ve actually been thinking about doing a blog too, just to help me cope. I think I might follow your example. Thanks for being brave enough to share. It’s comforting to know what other people are feeling and experiencing in the same situation.

  4. tasha said,

    Hi Kirsten,
    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. It’s so devastating and I’ve really found it helpful to get things off my chest. A great bonus has been all of the wonderful women I’ve met through this blog. Good luck to you and please let me know if you do start writing.

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