the home stretch

February 18, 2010 at 9:36 pm (Thoughts)

I’m sure most people would expect this title in week 39 instead of week 12, but for me, this is a very important week. One more week to go until I finish my first trimester, which means the chance of miscarriage goes down to less than 1%.

All the signs have been good: exhaustion, nausea, bloating, headaches, swollen breasts, increased urination, insomnia, vivid dreams and did I mention exhaustion?? Most importantly of all: no spotting. I try very hard to not check the tissue every single time I have to go pee, but it’s hard not to and it’s a battle I often don’t win. Sometimes, I am able to force myself not to look, but it’s like the default setting is to always check. Luckily, there has not been a drop of blood to speak of. (Except for another charming pregnancy side-effect: hemorroids, which I covered in a previous post.)

I cannot get over how tired I have been. Normally, I’m a bit of a night owl and I never really go to bed until about 11PM. Now, most nights I’m ready to pack it in by 8:30! I haven’t been much fun on the weekends, since my internal clock doesn’t care that it’s Saturday night. I’m just plain tired out… What’s crazy is, I always wake up and find myself wide awake at some point in the night, and I can’t fall back asleep for what seems like ages. It makes me regret going to bed so early, but I just feel like I can’t stay awake past 9PM most nights.

Next Wednesday is the big day – I go in for my first real prenatal appointment. My family doctor doesn’t deliver babies anymore, so she referred me to another clinic. I’m happy, because it’s right across the street from the hospital where I want to do the delivery, and that’s the hospital they work with. It’s a very good hospital and a good friend of ours is a nurse there. However, there is a more sentimental reason I want to give birth there: It’s the hospital where my dad died. I really think of my dad as my guardian angel, and I want him to be there with us.

I’m both looking forward to and dreading next week, just like when my ultrasound appointment was coming up. It should be a great day, where we finally get to hear the baby’s heartbeat. But there is still that fear inside of me – what if something goes wrong? What if they do the checkup and find out that I had or will have another miscarriage? I don’t know that I could survive that. I’ve now had 12 weeks to connect with and love this little baby. It would destroy me if I lost him again.

It seems like ever since I had my miscarriage back in October that I’ve been wishing for a time machine. I’ve wanted to push time forward, make it move more quickly. Fast forward to get my period. Fast forward to when we could start trying to conceive again. Fast forward to Christmas day so we could take our home pregnancy test. Fast foward to 8 weeks and 1 day, so I could make it further than last time. Fast forward to my ultrasound so we could see the heartbeat. And now, fast forward to next week so I can finally hear that heart beating fast, telling me that you are safe and sound, and that you’ll really make it this time.

Fast forward to September so I can meet you and hold you in my arms and tell you to your tiny lovely face that I love you.

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7 Comments

  1. Linda said,

    I had tears reading this and can totally relate. I want to fast forward to March 10, my 8 week ultrasound appointment. There’s a part of me, a big part, that doesn’t really believe that I am pregnant until I see that ultrasound. Then I will want to fastfoward to my second trimester and then feeling the baby move so I can be reassured everyday. You will love that time!!! It’s ok to be tired… I fall asleep early and then wake up in the middle of the night too. In your third trimester you will get a boost of energy as you enter the nesting stage (you’ll clean like you never did before). 🙂 congrats!!

  2. Linda said,

  3. Amy said,

    I could totally relate to this. Since our first miscarriage I have wanted to fast forward just like you. After suffering miscarriage #2 i’m still in the same boat of just wanting time to go fast so we can go on to the next step, that is finding out what is wrong and fixing it.

    I’m so happy to hear that things are going well for you and keep staying positive. Its amazing what positive thoughts can do! Looking forward to hearing how Wednesday goes – you will be in my thoughts. And remember its a great thing to be tired, that means your baby is growing inside of you!

  4. Sarah said,

    Oh, what an emotional roller coaster you must be going through. I wish there was a way to speed up time for you – but even more so I wish there was a way you could feel a peace of mind so that you enjoy this pregnancy the way so many others have the luxury of doing. You’ll be in my thoughts as this important day approaches.

    Sarah

  5. tasha said,

    Thank you for your comments and support, everyone. I’m counting down every single day. Thank you for keeping me in your thought – baby and I need all the positive vibes we can get!!!

    @ Linda – I hope that time goes by quickly for you, too, so that you can have your 8 week ultrasound! It is such a wonderful feeling to see that heartbeat!!! I will be thinking of you. Please let me know how it goes on the big day.

  6. colette said,

    That is how I was feeling too and was so happy to have all those pregnancy symptoms going until week 12 . i thought I was almost out of the woods, and only 6 months apart from meeting my little baby…. then at the 12 week nuchal translucency , no heartbeat… What is wrong??? I had no 1 sign of miscarriage, I know because I checked every single time I went to the bathroom. Now I can’t wait to fast forward to getting my period and getting pregnant again. But I feel I am running out of strength…

  7. tasha said,

    Hi Collette, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. It’s such a terrible thing to have to go through. I know right now it feels impossible and that every day seems so dark and long. I hope that you start to feel better soon, little by little each day, and that you get your period again quickly so that you can start trying again.
    There is hope! I am 17 weeks today and we got to hear the heartbeat for the second time. It was louder this time than just 4 weeks ago… baby is getting bigger! I hope that it happens again for you soon. All the best to you.

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