no more scares, please

March 9, 2010 at 8:08 pm (Pregnancy at Work, Second Trimester) (, , )

First off, everything is OK. I wanted to get that out of the way immediately so no one panicked.

A few days ago, we had a terrible scare. I was just about to head home from work but had to make a pit stop in the bathroom. To my surprise, when I looked down, there was a spot of red in the toilet. Now – because I had discovered that hemmoroids are very common during pregnancy, and I had already had a run in with this problem, I was not too panicked about it. But, when I went to wipe up, I discovered the blood was not coming from my behind. I checked again and to my horror, it was coming from the place I dreaded. There was a lot of blood, but less after each check with the tissue.

oh my god oh my god oh my god, was all I could say, over and over again. Thankfully, there was no one else in the bathroom to hear me. I tried desperately to stay calm, but all I could think about was that this couldn’t be happening again. We had just told everyone. I couldn’t bear to go through what I had already endured – publicly this time.

I managed to hold myself together for long enough to get down to the car and call M. “I’m scared.” I said, and then burst into tears. He tried to keep me calm and get me to explain what had happened. He asked if I was sure that the bleeding was coming from up front and I said yes, that I was positive. He told me to come home and begged me to drive carefully and try to stay calm while on the road.

It felt like such a long drive home. I bawled the entire time. I considered just cheating and driving in the carpool lane, but I didn’t want to chance having to delay getting home or explain my situation if I got pulled over. I rehearsed what I would say in my head:

Please let me go home. I think I’m having a miscarriage. I’m bleeding. Please.

Surely, no police officer would give me a ticket in my situation. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it, and just drove along slowly and miserably in the traffic. When I pulled into the garage, I broke down again. I was scared to go inside. I was scared to have to check again and possibly find more blood. I dragged myself out of the car though, and trudged into the house. M was there immediately to take me into his arms, and I just sobbed into his shirt. We tried to decide if we should go to the hospital. I was lost. I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t want to stay. I went to the bathroom and checked again. There was a tiny bit of blood, but nothing like what was there before. We decided we would call the clinic and ask them what we should do. Of course, it was closed, and the messaging service person told us that the doctor on call would call us back within 15 minutes. 15 minutes was a lifetime to wait.

When we got the call, I couldn’t take it – I had to get M to explain what happened. They asked how far along I was, if I had had any cramping (no), if we had sex recently (no). We also told them that we had gone in just over a week ago and had heard the heartbeat. They asked if the bleeding was getting worse (no, it was almost gone).

It turns out that it was caused by a polyp on my cervix. Completely non-urgent. Completely not a threat to the pregnancy. Basically just a skin tab that is prone to bleeding, especially after sex or exerting yourself in the bathroom. They are commonly developed during pregnancy due to…you guessed it… hormones! The reason they’re so prone to bleeding is because of all the extra blood volume women have during pregnancy. I’m going to have it removed next week. Apparently, it’s nearly pain free and extremely quick to get rid of. No more pain or discomfort than your pap exam.

I can speak of this now calmly, but that night we were in agony. We were both terrified that it was happening again. I was shaking with fear, saying I didn’t think I could live through another miscarriage. This time would be even worse because now I had 13 weeks to connect with our baby instead of just 8. It would be worse because now everyone knew. It would be worse because then I would be a failure again. It would be worse because I would wonder if we could ever have a child.

That night, we fell asleep holding hands, thankful to know that our baby is still safe in there. But, please, no more scares. I would love to just be able to get through the rest of this pregnancy with no more panic. I am so jealous of women who get to enjoy their entire pregnancy. I wondered aloud to M if he thought I would ever be able to just enjoy being pregnant instead of being scared all the time and he said no. I agree, I don’t think it’s in the cards for us. But as long as we have a happy, healthy baby at the end of it, it’s all worth it.

Please, baby, stay with us.

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2 Comments

  1. 2LoveBirds said,

    I am so sorry you guys went through this terrible scare! I am so glad that everything turned out okay. Wishing you all the best for a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby!

  2. IBH said,

    I’m so glad everything is ok! I had a cervical polyp as well – harmless and easily removed. I must say that I’m so afraid that next time around i will be a nervous wreck as well – the Dr gave us the ok to try again next month – we are keeping our fingers cross that i get pregnant right away and can carry to term. I am so happy for you though! Your blog continuely gives me hope. I will keep you in my prayers that all continues to go well (without anymore scares) – take good care and keep posting!

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