hello, baby? it’s me, worrywart

April 2, 2010 at 7:53 pm (Emotions, Second Trimester) (, )

I am18 weeks now.

It’s incredible for me to think that I am almost halfway through my pregnancy. Every time I touch my growing belly, it astounds me at how round it’s getting. Everything has been going really well. My appetite has definitely kicked up a gear and I think I need to eat every couple of hours. I can never eat a whole lot, but I need to eat a little something all the time. But as well as I feel, I still can’t help but worry. I guess that’s what pregnancy after miscarriage is all about, though. I thought it would get better after my first trimester, when the chance of miscarriage goes down drastically, and it did a bit, but the worry is still there.

I suppose what really surprised me was when M and I went to that second doctor’s visit a couple of weeks ago. After I had asked all of my questions, the nurse asked if there was anything else she could answer for us. Unexpectedly, M asked if there was anything she could tell me to help me feel not as scared, based at how far along I was now. As soon as he asked that, I burst into tears. I guess it just caught me off guard – I had no idea he was going to do that. I was also a bit surprised at her answer. I can’t remember the exact words, but she said that this is a new baby now, and that I have to say goodbye to my first pregnancy, that it wasn’t meant to be and that I can’t worry about it. I was very surprised at her response. I thought she would have said something more like: this time is different, you’re in the 2nd trimester now and everything should be fine, your baby is doing well.

I still count down every day and every week. Often, people will ask me how my pregnancy is going and if I’m excited. Of course, we’re very excited. But I could never say that my pregnancy has been joyful. I hear some women say that they loved their pregnancy, and I wonder if I’ll ever be able to say that about any part of mine. I can’t honestly say that I love being pregnant because there is always that seed of fear and doubt in me. When people tell me how fast my pregnancy will go, I can’t help but think that it can’t go fast enough. Whenever I hear of late miscarriages, or even worse, stillbirths, it makes me shudder, making me think that I won’t ever feel safe. I just want to give birth so I can hold my baby in my arms, alive and well and breathing.

At around this time, it’s possible that I will finally get to feel baby moving. I’ve read that quickening can happen anywhere between 16-20 weeks, and possibly even as late as 22 weeks. It happens sooner if it’s your second child or if you’re slim, or later if it’s your first time or are overweight. I’m quite small, so I’ve been hoping to feel it as soon as I hit that 16 week mark. Supposedly, it’s also harder to tell in your first pregnancy because you don’t really know what to feel for, and it could seem like gas bubbles! It can also feel like a fluttering or popcorn popping. Sometimes, I lay on my back and try to concentrate on my lower abdomen to try to feel for something, anything going on down there.

Today, M and I went to a movie and while I was sitting there, I had this weird sensation. It wasn’t really a tummy rumble, like I often get when I’m hungry, even before I was pregnant. I suppose it could be described as a fluttering. I felt it again later tonight, the same sort of sensation that I can’t quite describe.

Is that you, baby?

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2 Comments

  1. Sarah said,

    I first found your blog in November after losing my first pregnancy to miscarriage. I felt completely lost and alone, and looked to the internet for solace and some understanding of my situation. I have followed your story ever since. Thank you for giving me hope that there was life after miscarriage.

    I’m now 13 weeks pregnant and everything seems to be going well. Like you I worry every day, but this is easing now and I’m beginning to enjoy this journey. I miss the innocence and naivety I had the first time around, but I feel more worldly wise now. I know it doesn’t work this way, but I feel like I’ve had my suffering and now I can have my joy. It feels right this time.

    Thank you so much for your words and thoughts. They have been a comfort to me through some dark days. Wishing you the very best of luck and happiness with this pregnancy.

    Sarah.

  2. tasha said,

    Hi Sarah,

    Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am thrilled for you. I remember the relief after finishing the first trimester, too, so I am glad that you are starting to enjoy your pregnancy now. I agree, it’s definitely such a different feeling this time around. I wish you all the joy in the world with this pregnancy!

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