the difference 3 months makes

June 3, 2010 at 7:01 pm (Emotions, Third Trimester) (, )

Today is an important milestone for a couple of reasons. Firstly, at 27 weeks, I am now in my third trimester! And secondly, on a much more somber note – if I had not miscarried in October, my baby would have been due today.

In the dark days and weeks after my miscarriage, I often thought of this day: June 3rd. How would I feel? Would I still be sad so long after my miscarriage? Would I be pregnant again by then? What if we still hadn’t been able to conceive? I remember feeling like it would be an extremely difficult day for me if I was not pregnant. As it turns out, I’ve had a wide range of emotions today and leading up to today.

As the date loomed closer, I was already feeling a bit of anticipation. I can’t recall when it was exactly, but in the last few days there was a morning when I lay in bed alone, with M already up and about, and I cried. I thought about our little blueberry, the baby that we had lost, and that I still mourn. I thought about all of the pain and anger and disappointment, and mostly about that feeling of emptiness. I remember how I used to wake up each morning and sadly put my hand on my then-empty belly, thinking of what we had lost and if I would ever be happy again… I remember dreading June 3rd, and wondering how I would feel knowing that my baby could have been born on that day. Even writing this now is so difficult! I have to stop typing after every sentence to wipe the tears from my eyes!!

M and I talked last night about how today would have been the big day. He knew immediately what I was going for as soon as I started to bring it up. I wonder sometimes if he still thinks about what happened to us last year. He’s such a positive thinker that I don’t believe he does. I think he thinks about the excitement of what’s coming up for us in September.

He caught me off guard this morning. I was at my desk when the receptionist called me and told me I had a package delivery. I assumed it was a sales package, but to my surprise, sitting there was pretty red box with a black and gold ribbon. Instead of flowers, he had sent me Cookies by George! The card simply read – Sweetie, thinking of you today. Love, M. I burst into tears immediately. Luckily, I had the explanation of today being our third trimester milestone, but the double meaning of today hit me hard. I quickly retreated to my office, closed the door, and tried to fight back the tears. We could have been welcoming our baby into the world today, but instead we are counting down these last 3 months.

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3 Comments

  1. Christine said,

    Hugs for you! I know how painful it is to experience the day you should have given birth to the baby that miscarried. February 19th was my EDD and it was very hard.

  2. tasha said,

    Thank you so much Christine. It was definitely a very emotional day.

  3. Samotnai said,

    Hello,

    I am glad you wrote this my EDD is coming up on Aug 5th and I am already feeling the angst today, June 10th. I miscarried back in March when I was 18 weeks and two day. While I have largely gotten back in the swing of things, I still have my minutes of angry tears.
    I notice pregnant women all the time and sometimes it hurts.

    http://samotnai.wordpress.com/

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