life…and birth…after miscarriage

September 14, 2010 at 10:42 am (Thoughts)

On Wednesday, August 25th, we welcomed our beautiful baby girl into the world. After 8 hours of labor, she was born at 4:30PM, weighing in at 6 pounds and 8 ounces, and 18.5 inches long.

To put the beauty of her life into perspective, I look back at what we went through to get to where we are today. Of course, every parent cherishes their child, but for us it feels different. It’s like all that terrible suffering because of our miscarriage was channeled into the joy of our baby’s birth. She is beloved!

The night before she was born, I woke up multiple times to go to the bathroom (as usual!) The contractions felt sort of crampy, like menstrual cramps, and were a bit different than what I had felt before. I knew they were different, but kept telling myself that maybe I was just excited and didn’t want to make too much of it. The next morning at 9:45, I sent M a text at work, letting him know that I was still having contractions.

I am still having crampy contractions…

Hmmm. Are they sporadic or consistent?

I haven’t really timed them.

Start.

Ok. I’ll time the next few that I have.

411 is the magic #. 4 mins apart, 1 min each for 1 hour. Then we have baby.

I kept delaying M, telling him that I wanted to wait and see, but he insisted on coming home from work. He was home before noon, and was trying to get me to go to the hospital. I had it in my head that we should wait as long as possible, though, since everything I had read and researched advised to stay at home for as long as you could, especially if you wanted to avoid taking any medications. So I kept trying to push it off until finally M said, that’s it, we have to go.

The drive was torturous, as we had to go over the bridge to get to the hospital, and even though it was midday, there was still traffic slowing things down. M had been keeping track of my contractions, which were now only 3-4 minutes apart, but since he was driving, I had to try to quickly jot down the start and stop times before my contraction was in full gear! While still at home, I found the most comfortable position to deal with my contractions was to stand and lean over, with my hands on the arm of the couch. Now that we were driving, I was stuck in a reclined, seated position, and the pain was much harder to handle.

Upon arrival at the hospital, I refused M’s offer for a wheelchair – I wanted to walk. It’s a good thing, too, as it turned out there were no wheelchairs available anyway. We made our way up to Labor and Delivery after checking in, and as soon as I was in the door, I was having another contraction. We were ushered into the examination room so that I could be checked. It seemed like we had to wait forever until finally someone came in to see how far along I had progressed. I was 2-3 cm dialated at 2:30PM. OK, I thought to myself, I guess we have about 8-12 hours to go then!

Turns out I was way off!!

We got to our room and the nurses left us to our own. They checked in on us once, and reviewed our birth plan. (Side note – they didn`t really seem too pleased or receptive about it, but they did address each of our wishes. Maybe it was just that nurse who wasn`t very friendly.) The contractions were getting pretty intense, and I was getting to the point where I was thinking about asking for some of the laughing gas. The pauses in between contractions were too short, though, and I was busy trying to recover my breath to tell M that I wanted the gas. I was doing my best to deal with the pain using my yoga breathing techniques, but suddenly I was yelling ÒWWWWW at the peaks of the contractions. I couldn`t help it! Then that feeling came – the baby was dropping down. I yelled at M that it felt like it was coming down, and I guess I started making some grunting sounds.

Right away, a nurse and doctor rushed in and instructed me not to push. (Are you kidding me!) They frantically got the room prepped, but I still had to deal with two heavy contractions without pushing, and it was nearly impossible. The doctor checked me and announced: You`re fully dialated – it`s ok to push on your next contraction!

I was in shock. It seemed too fast. But there was no time to dwell on that. The nurse and doctor coached me through each contraction, with M at my side, encouraging me. Between contractions, the pain was completely gone and I could catch my breath. I was so focused on getting the baby out that I was actually disappointed when the painful contractions ended because it meant I couldn`t keep pushing. Then the burning came, and M reminded me that I had to push past that so I could get the baby out. It was tough, but I kept thinking about that goal. Soon, they said the baby was almost out and to look down so I could see it coming. I didn`t want to look, but M said – You have to look. It`s incredible. I looked down to see the head and I guess with that, the rest of the body came out!

The doctor said, ok , Dad, what is it! And M cheered, with both arms in the air, proclaiming: It`s a girl!!!

There is no way to describe the feeling of having her tiny warm, wet body placed on my chest. Before she was born, I used to think about that moment and tears would come flowing from the emotions. I thought for sure I would cry when the moment finally came, but surprisingly, I didn`t. I was just so amazed and joyful that there were no tears. The three of us just held each other, reveling in the moment.

There she was, the little being that I have grown and loved inside of me for 39 weeks, in my arms at last. We`re a family now.

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12 Comments

  1. christy said,

    awwhh!! CONGRATS!! great story !! it has been neat following your pregnancy after your miscarriage; all your fears and doubts finally overcome now with your new bundle of love!

  2. Linda said,

    I am crying!!! Girls are so awesome! I am so happy for you. Congratulations!!! God is good, He can restore anything and here’s the proof! Good job mom!

  3. Sarah said,

    I was checking your blog everday for the big NEWS!!! I finally got to read it when I was at work in the field and I too cried! Thank god I was wearing sunglasses! Keep us posted on the weeks to come too!

  4. samotnai said,

    Congratulations. I was about to say I guess this blog is now over, but I suppose there is no reason why you cannot continue. It was very inspiring for me to follow your journey. I wish you and your family the very best.

  5. missedconceptions said,

    Congratulations on your new daughter!

  6. esteco said,

    Congratulations!

    I stumbled unto your blog because I had a miscarriage a week ago and I’m on line hoping I would find some answers. Or maybe, a blog of someone that feels the same as me. Your words have made me feel better. First time I feel hope that one day I will have a beautiful baby. Thank you.

  7. tasha said,

    @Esteco: I’m so happy to hear that my blog has helped you, even a little. It’s the reason I wrote about my miscarriage and the journey we had to go through. Our beautiful baby girl is now 11 months old and is the joy of my life. I still think about the baby that we lost and I know that I’ll never forget it. Stay positive, but allow yourself to go through what you need to do in order to deal. I hope that you can try again soon and have a precious baby of your own!

  8. Kelli said,

    I know it’s been a few years since you’ve written this blog, but I just wanted you to know it helped me more than words could describe. It’s been a month since my miscarriage and I was searching desperately online for something to help me cope. I’m so glad I found your blog and it gives me tremendous hope. I now know that there are other women who feel the same sadness, and that there really is life after a miscarriage. I hope your little one has grown beautifully and thank you for such an amazing story.

    • tasha said,

      Hi Kelli,
      I must say, I was surprised when I got your comment. I felt like it had been so long since I wrote this blog, and I am so happy that even after all this time, it is still helping people deal with the same kind of heartache that I went through. I’m glad that you found my story and that it helped you to at least know that you are not alone.
      If I can offer a couple of prices of advice being a few years removed from my miscarriage (my daughter is now almost 3!) it would be this:
      Don’t keep it all in. I wish I had not kept my miscarriage a secret. Having the support of people who care about you helps immensely. I deprived myself of that.
      Don’t let it hang over you forever. Because I didn’t deal with my miscarriage properly by telling people about it, I think it really affected the type of parent I was at the start. I held my breath too much. I was always scared. It took counselling to understand that my miscarriage was still affecting me.

      Please take care and keep up hope!

  9. S said,

    Now it’s been over another year since the last comment, but I just wanted to say this blog is still helping people. It has helped me regain hope after my loss. Thank you.

    • tasha said,

      Hi S,
      I was so surprised to see that someone commented! I am very happy to hear that this blog is continuing to help people deal with their loss. It is not something that is discussed openly enough and so I’m glad that sharing my story helps in any small way.
      My little girl is not so little any more – almost 4 years old!
      I still think of lost baby sometimes and will never forget. But do keep up hope! It turned out well for our family in the end and I hope it does for you, too.

  10. cogden08 said,

    Tasha,

    I want to thank you for being brave enough to shre your story. I am you (32, married 7 yrs, miscarriage at 8wks after getting pregnant the first time – yes, creepy similar) and as i sit and wait to find out if we are pregnant again, I stumble upon your blog. I have not shared much with friends or family and have felt very alone at times and wanted you to know that knowing others out there have gone through the same emotions, worry, and guilt makes me feel so much better. Congratulatuons on your daughter and thank you again for giving all of us a voice during a tough time.

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