santa. baby.

December 25, 2009 at 2:10 pm (Trying to conceive) (, )

One of the suggestions when you take a home pregnancy test is that you test using your first pee of the day. As my luck would have it, I woke up at 2AM with a full bladder. Wait, I told myself, don’t ruin the test in the morning by peeing in the middle of the night. Hold it, hold it, hold it. So I went back to sleep but woke up again at 3:30. And again at 4AM. And once again at 5AM. I had to go, but I didn’t want to potentially ruin the test. However, I wasn’t particularly interested in fumbling with the test at five in the morning, either. After wrestling with my thoughts for several minutes, I decided that I just couldn’t hold it any longer – nature was calling.

Honey… I whispered.

M grumbled and rolled. What??

I gotta pee, but I don’t want to ruin the test for later if I pee now. I can’t hold it anymore, I’ve had to pee for like 3 hours. Should we just test now?

He laughed. Might as well.

So, still half asleep, I climbed out of bed, unwrapped the test in the bathroom and followed the directions carefully. I placed it back on the counter, finished up and came back to bed to wait out our 3 minutes. When the time arrived, we both got up and walked to the bathroom door, which was still shut. I took M’s hand as he opened the door to look at the results.

We both had to lean in closer to see, but there it was…. two pink lines. One was lighter than the other, but undoubtedly, there they were: two pink lines staring back at us.

Merry Christmas, baby.

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two more sleeps

December 23, 2009 at 10:24 pm (Trying to conceive) (, , )

I’m still extremely nervous. Yesterday and today, I experienced a tiny bit of bright red spotting. It was only the one time yesterday, nothing for the rest of the night or all day today until late afternoon, and again nothing since then. This experience of trying to conceive after miscarriage is completely different than trying to concieve the first time. I’m just so much more aware of everything that my body is feeling. The first time around, we had no idea what to expect and bang, pregnant on the first try.

I have been reading and researching like mad about implantation bleeding and if that could be what I’m experiencing. Unfortunately, there are no clear answers, but there are a couple of things in my favor.

#1 – It started about 9 DPO, and implantation bleeding normally occurs somewhere between 6-10 DPO.

#2 – It’s extremely minimal. Nothing heavy or constant, just a little bit of blood when wiping.

#3 – It started about a week before I am expecting my period.

I am desperately trying to stay optimistic, but since the last experience I had with bright red spotting ended in miscarriage, it’s extremely difficult to wipe out the panic. All I can do is wait and see. If the spotting stops or continues to be extremely light, we may go ahead with the pee stick on Christmas morning. M is anxious, too. I think he was really convinced that his “boys had burrowed in good this time.” I still have some strange sensations going on down there, but it could just be PMS and not early signs of pregnancy.

Two more sleeps…

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grasping at straws

December 22, 2009 at 6:45 pm (Trying to conceive) (, , , )

I’m so disappointed. I really had thought that maybe I was pregnant. I’ve been feeling bloated for the last several days, and have definitely thought that it felt like it did when I was pregnant before. For the last few hours, I’ve even felt a little sick, like I might throw up. But just now, I came from the bathroom and noticed a little bit of blood on the toilet paper. It was bright red. My heart sank.

I must not be pregnant.

There is the very slim possibility that this is actually implantation bleeding and not, in fact, the start of my period. It is actually a bit early to be my period as I did not expect it until at least Saturday. Supposedly, implantation bleeding occurs about 9-10 days past ovulation (DPO) so that seems about right. However, most sources say that it is typically not bright red and instead tends to be dark brown or even almost black.

I only cried a little bit, but I’m still so disappointed. I guess it really was longing that I was feeling when I thought I was experiencing all those potential pregnancy symptoms. I guess there is still a teeny bit of hope as I have not had a full on period yet, but I am feeling pessimistic. Part of me wants to take that pregnancy test anyway, just to see. I guess I just have to wait out the next few hours, the next few days, to see how things play out.

I hate all of this waiting.

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back in the saddle

December 13, 2009 at 2:49 pm (Trying to conceive) (, , )

We’re trying to get pregnant again. This time things definitely feel different. Because of this miscarriage, I’ve lost all of that innocence that I had the first time we tried to get pregnant. Back then, it was all excitement. This time, I am feeling hopeful but that element of emotional cautiousness is definitely at the forefront. Even though I’m excited to be trying, I have a lot of fears this time around and I wonder what I’ll feel when we do get pregnant again.

Will I be so scared to have another miscarriage that I won’t be able to enjoy being pregnant?

M says he’s sure that I will still be excited and that the fear will be greatly outweighed by the joy I will be feeling. He says that’s just my personality to get giddy and excited about things. I’m not sure about that. I suppose I can see it happening that way, but I do wonder if the immense grief that I went through will stop me from being able to feel happy freely. I wonder if I’ll always have that feeling of uncertainty that will prevent me from developing a bond with my baby like I did the first time.

There are so many things that I think I might hold back from doing next time around. I think I might stop playing hockey immediately as soon as I find out. Why take the chance of taking another fall that could cause a miscarriage? I definitely won’t be doing hot yoga even as we’re trying to conceive. Why risk  doing strenuous activity and overheating that could cause the embryo not to implant correctly? Did I get enough rest last time? Did I try to do too much? A lot of what I’ve read says that if the embryo is strong and viable, there’s really not too much you can do to harm it through your regular activities. But I have to admit that I am scared. Part of me wants to put myself on bedrest as soon as we get that positive test and stay like that until the first trimester is over. 

I’m planning on taking a pregnancy test on Christmas Day. I told M about my idea and his first reaction was to ask me if it would ruin my Christmas if it came out negative. He knows that it’s my favorite day of the year and worried that I would be so disappointed if we didn’t get a postive result on the pregancy test. I had to think about that before I answered it. I don’t think it will ruin my Christmas. I’m sure I’ll be disappointed, but the possibility of having the best Christmas present ever far outweighs that. I keep imagining how wonderful it will be if we get good news on Christmas morning. The whole day would shine.

I haven’t looked forward to Christmas this much since I was 6 years old and I would go to bed praying and wishing for Santa to bring me a Cabbage Patch Doll.

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counting down

December 2, 2009 at 9:44 pm (Trying to conceive) (, , )

Next week we are going to start trying again.

I’ve put the calendar back up in our room. After a couple of weeks of cringing every time I saw it, I had taken it down because it hurt too much to think of where I should have been in my pregnancy. I used to look at it with excited anticipation of each coming Thursday to mark another week passing by but it had turned into a cruel reminder. Now I can look at it again and count down to the day we can start trying to conceive. Only a few more days to go…

It’s such a different feeling now that I got my period last week. I have finally stopped waking up each morning and thinking about my miscarriage. It still stings when I see a pregnant woman or hear about yet another person who’s pregnant. (Has everyone other than me suddenly become super fertile?? It seems like I hear of 2-3 more women getting pregnant every week since I miscarried!) Other than that awful phone call from the prenatal clinic on Friday because my appointment had not been cancelled, I’ve been doing really well. And even then, I was able just to clench my teeth and escape to the solitude of the bathroom to shed a few angry tears. It was a nasty shock and biting reminder, but I was able to deal with those emotions and move on through the rest of my day. If that had happened a week before, it would have certainly sent me into a wild torrent of anger and desperate sadness.

A few times, I’ve allowed some fearful thoughts to cross my mind. What if I have another miscarriage? How will I be able to deal with another loss? But I push the thoughts away and force myself to think positively:

This time it will happen. I’m going to have a baby.

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